Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video game
Topic: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Genre: Nonsense
Critiqued by: BatJamags; MisterShoebox; Linstar; Yuki, la poétesse de neige; Delta XIII
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics!
Ls: Another week, another dose of the toxin that is My Inner Life.
Delta:
Shoe: Yaaaaaaaaay I am going to get even with you, Bats. I have no idea how yet. It’s going to involve a sack full of rabid weasels but mark my words, revenge will be mine.
Bats: Since this fic’s deciding to have a plot this late in the game is so random, our first chapter can only be…
The Encounter
Bats: Roll for initiative!
*Ls’ Role the Dice flashbacks intensify.*
Ls: Stay away, Drugo! No peeking!
Delta: *dice rolling noises* …how the hell does a D20 land on its corner?!
Bats: Very carefully.
Grabbling my bow and my (9)Phoenix circles
Bats: Oh, boy, let’s take a look at the doubtless perfectly well thought-through explanation for whatever those are!
Ls: Must we?
(9) The Phoenix Circles are one form of a Charkam.
Ls: That’s a chakram.
A Charkam is a round weapon kind of like a sword only in the form of a circle (exe Zena Warrior Princess’s weapon).
Ls: It’s a little sharp metal circle you can throw, like a donut-shaped shuriken.
The Charkam has a blade curvature in the shape of a crescent moon with a round hilt on one side. The Phoenix Circles in this story, its blade is lined with all different kinds of valuable gems and the symbol of the Phoenix.
Bats: And there you have it, folks: Sue weapons.
Ls: A real weapon, but misspelled and made stupid.
Delta: I mostly know them from Kingdom Hearts.
Shoe: At least they aren’t Triforce themed. And it’s “Xena”. I dunno how you could get that one wrong, considering her name is literally the title of the show but what the f*ck ever.
and Link equipped with the Master Sword, I kissed little Link, said a few words to Ruto then Link and I headed for Lake Hylia and the Water Temple. We went to the stable to grab our horses, since Epona was carrying,
Shoe: Yeah, man. Epona always has the best sh*t! She’s always carrying, man!
I saddled Star Dancer and Link saddled Midnight Star. Mounting our horses, we left the sanctuary of our house, and made our way through the blinding snow. The storm had kicked up again. It was very cold and the snow knee deep. The wind whipped our cloaks around as we pushed onward. Visibility was next to nothing,
I could barely see Link in front of me. “Jenna are you ok?!” Link yelled over the howling wind. “So far I’m ok, but I can barely see anything in front of me!” I yelled back. “Just follow the sound of my voice my love, I will help guide you!” Listing to Link’s voice, I was able to follow him.
Bats: Okay, but I’m not sure why leaning over was so helpful.
Ls: Maybe she has to distort gravity to find him?
We kept a steady pace, pushing through the deep wet snow. I wrapped my now damp cloak around me trying to stay warm.
Shoe: That’s a good way to get hypothermia. Just sayin’.
Ls: I hope she does get hypothermia.
After some time we finally came to the fences leading to Lake Hylia. By this time the storm had died down some so visibility was much better. Link made Midnight Star come to a complete stop, causing snow to kick up behind the stallion’s powerful hooves. Pulling back on the reins Star Dancer came to a complete stop just a few feet behind Link.
Yuki: Apparently inertia doesn’t exist in this fic’s world.
Ls: Badfics and physics do not mix.
Bats: Also, Star Dancer (these horses’ names are so tryhardy) can pull on its own reins; that takes talent. Unless it’s riding a different horse… which also takes talent.
Ls: And opposable thumbs.
“Why did we stop?” I questioned. “We need to jump these fences,
Shoe: …why? I think you can go around them?
but with the snow as deep as it is I know that Midnight Star can make the jump but, do you think your mare can handle the jump?” Looking down at my mare, I patted her on the head and stroked her mane. “I have full confidence in her Link, she can make the jump.” “Then lets go!” Link yelled.
Ls:
Delta:
Bats:
Backing up his horse, Link prepared for the jump. When he had enough distance, he booted the horse in the legs
Bats: Still not how you urge a horse forward.
and ran towards the fences guarding the lake. With a kicking up of snow, the black stallion flew gracefully over the fences, leaving a trail of mist behind him. Bringing the horse to a stop on the other side of the fences he looked at me. “Now you make the jump.” Nodding, I backed up my mare and prepared for the jump. When I had enough distance between the fences and I, I booted my horse in the legs
Bats: Would you stop kicking your poor horses?
and bolted towards the fences. Just before I reached the fences, a cloud of snow kicked up behind my horse’s powerful hooves as she made the rough jump over the fences. Link then took off in front of me and called for me to follow. I watched as the lake slowly became visible. When we reached the bank of Lake Hylia, we were shocked at what we saw. Pulling our horses to a complete stop I exchanged glances with Link. “The lake is frozen over!” “How are we supposed to get inside now?” I said as we dismounted. Pulling out his bow, Link nocked an arrow of fire and shot it at the lake. Steam rose up as the fire melted the ice beneath its fiery rage.
Shoe: It’s not the only one with “Fiery Rage”, let me tell you. ‘Cept mine is just fiery contempt.
Ls: I have fiery boredom.
Bats: I’m just on fire. Actually I’m not really sure why, but it’s very uncomfortable.
DOF Agent Trilby: Just you wait and see how flaming this fic can get…
“Well well, Link your full of surprises.” I said with envoy.
Shoe: Wait…she brought her messenger with her? Poor bastard.
Bats: What about his full of surprises?
Ls: I’m sure we’ll hate all these surprises.
Link smiled, then nocked a few more arrows and shot them one by one into the ice, creating a hole in the ice.
Yuki: Dude, save your ammo. You’re gonna need them in battle.
“Now we can get inside.” Link inquired. “Wait a second Link, isn’t the door to the Temple under the water?” Link nodded. “How do you suppose we are going to get in there?”
Ls: How about you losers just drown?
Walking back over to his horse, Link reached into his saddlebags and pulled something out of it. Turning back to me he threw a blue looking tunic at me. “Put that on.”
“That’s the Zora tunic, it allows its wearer to breath under the water.” I looked down at the tunic in my hands, wondering if it would really work. “Are you sure its going to fit me?”
Yuki: Is it really the time to worry about that?
Ls: There’s always time for fashion, my dear Yuki!
Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow. “Don’t worry my love it will.” Looking back down at it one more time, I took it and slipped it on over my dress.
Shoe: Wait – What?! Why are you wearing a dress?! Why NOW of all times?!
Bats: What part of “there’s always time for fashion” don’t you understand? I mean other than the part where this doesn’t make any sense.
Then I walked over to Link just as he finished putting his on.
“Now the entrance is at the bottom.”
Ls: I see Jenna is returning to the hole that excreted her.
“The only way to get down there is with the Iron Boots.” “Iron what?”
Ls: They’re scissors made of bronze.
Bats: While wearing very heavy shoes is a way of getting to the bottom of a lake, and it’s the game’s way of getting to the bottom of a lake, I’m not sure it entirely follows that they are the way of getting to the bottom of a lake.
I asked with curiosity in my voice. “The Iron Boots are boots made of Iron
Yuki: Gee, thanks, Captain Obvious.
to help the wearer to be heavy enough to walk on lake bottoms.
Bats: And only lake bottoms. Those Gods help you if you try this in a river or something.
“Oh that’s amazing, you never cease to surprise me Link my love.” I said with a little giggle.
Shoe: Not really? I mean it – Wait, he never told you any of this? Never? …You two don’t talk much, do you? I mean it seems the only thing you have in common is that you’re twee and like to f*ck.
Ls: And they have terrible fashion sense.
Bats: Their relationship is founded on a very strong bond of mutual shallowness and voyeuristic monks!
Ls: Don’t forget pee-drinking!
“Now since there is only one pair, you’ll have to hang onto me or you will just float back to the surface.”
Ls: Those Gods forbid either of you learn how to swim.
Bats: But Ls! That’s how it works in the game!
Bats: … Huh, actually wasn’t banking on adding the ol’ game mechanics tag to this, but… here we go anyway.
Nodding, I watched as Link equipped the Iron Boots. When he was ready, I grabbed onto his arm as we made our way into the lake. The boots made a loud clopping sound as we descended to the lake’s bottom. Walking on the bottom of the lake made me feel a little uneasy, but I had confidence in my husband’s abilities. When we reached the Temple’s gate, I looked up at the blood red jewel sitting above the entrance. A slight shiver went down my spine as I stared at the ghoulish looking thing.
Shoe: It’s a shiny rock. Not necessarily “Ghoulish.”
Bats: Spooooooooky rock!
Hugging onto Link, we descended into the Temple. As we walked further into the eerie Temple, a wash of uneasiness ran over me. “Where do we go from here?” I said as I held onto Link tightly. “I’m not sure, but my best guess is that we should head for that strange room.”
Shoe: Any room you yobbos enter is guaranteed to be “Strange”.
Bats: So you just… walk into the Water Temple and go to the room you’re looking for? This is like the most infamously needlessly overcomplicated area in the game.
As we descended deeper into the Water Temple, I started to feel as if someone was watching us. “Link do you feel as if we are being watched?” “Yeah I feel it, I also feel a presence as well.” “He’s here I can feel it.” Feeling my cat like instincts kick in,
Ls:
I raised my head up and sniffed the air. “You’re right, I smell something fowl.”
Shoe: Quit sniffin’ the chickens, lady! They don’t like it!
Bats: First cats and now chickens. Is everybody an animal all of a sudden?
“He’s close.” I said lowering my head. “Closer then you think.” A sneering voice called from within the Temple.
Bats: I’d just like to note that Dark Link does not talk in the game. Be prepared to wish he wouldn’t here.
I jumped at the sound of the eerie voice echoing threw the corridors. “Come out and show yourself, I know you’re here!” Link yelled as he unfastened his sword in its sheath. “Ha ha so…the “Hero of Time” has returned to challenge me.” The sneering voice called again. “Your more of a fool then I thought.” I begun to shake as the sneering voice continued to vibrate threw the Temple’s corridors. “FOOL!?” “You’re the fool!” “Why won’t you show yourself?!”
Shoe: Oh, such wit and witticism from the Hero of Time.
Bats:
Ls: You’re all fools, okay?
Delta:
Ls: Shhh! We don’t need the DRD bothering us!
Link screamed as he unsheathed the Master Sword. Just then we heard a shuffling sound behind us. Then the next thing I knew, I was struck from behind
Ls: Suddenly!
and then all went black.
When I awoke, I noticed I was lying on the floor bound hand and foot with rope. Looking around the room, I saw Link sitting next to me bound as well. I tried to tug at my bonds, but it seemed no matter how hard I tried the bonds seemed to tighten. “Its no use Jenna, I’ve already tried.” Link said in a faltering tone. “It seems that we are prisoner of my mirror self.”
Ls: Best Character we Were Supposed to Hate already.
Bats: Don’t get your hopes up.
“You are so right.” Called the sneering voice again. Just then a figure appeared in the doorway to the room. “So…the “Hero of Time” is now my prisoner.” “How long I awaited this day, the day when I would get revenge on my counter part.” I watched as the shadowy figure moved forward revealing an exact copy of Link. Although the “copy” was darker, wearing a black tunic and hat, and those blood red eyes shone with pure evil.
Ls: JamagsCorp has finally rid Linktron 5000 of its defective programming in Linktron 5001! Hurrah!
Bats: I’m going to have to talk with branding about randomly changing the color scheme. I mean, I know it’s kind of what we pay them for, but it seems to defeat the point more than usual here.
As he approached Link, the look of him made me shiver in fear. “What are you going to do with us?” Link said with hatred in his voice. “Hmmm….I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with you yet.”
Bats: “Really, I have no actual motivations or objectives here, so my programming kind of shuts down after ‘kidnap heroes, laugh evilly, twirl mustache.’”
Shoe: I mean…Why didn’t he kill you already, that’s what I wanna know. It’s not like Bizarro Link had any qualms about trying to cut Link into sashimi in the game.
Then he glanced over at me, his blood red eyes piercing into my soul. “But I think I have plans for that beautiful wife of yours.” The mirror image said with amusem*nt in his voice. “Oh by the way…call me Dark Link.”
Shoe: That’s original. At least call yourself “K’nil” or something.
Bats: Dead Link? No, that’s not very intimidating. Red Link? No, no, he’s not red at all; better dead than- well, anyway. Broken Link…?
Just then Dark Link strode over and bend down beside me, “Such a beautiful creature.” He said as he put his hand under my chin, lifting my head up to face him. I shot him a look of hate. “I have plans for you sweet thing.”
Ls: Please tell me it involves killing her.
Bats: *Examines a piece of paper with “DARK LINKS EVIL PALN” [sic] written across the top in lime green crayon* His plans appear to be to first, quote, “kidnap heros,” then… to… *squints* I can’t read this second part, it might just be a scribble, and third, something involving a pr- oh, I see, he was trying to spell profit.
Dark Link said as he ran his hands seductively down the side of my face. “What the hell are you talking about!?”
Shoe: …That is…You should…I mean, granted, I’d ask the same question but I’d ask it of every motherf*cker we’ve met in the fic thus far. But I think when he’s caressing you and practically has his dick out of his pants already you should know damn well what he wants with you. …Because he has no standards.
I looked up at him, his red eyes seemed to glow with an evil desire. “Oh…I have special plans for you.” “You will soon find out.” He begun to laugh, a laugh so hideous that it made my skin crawl. Realizing what he meant, my eyes grew as big as saucers. “I want nothing to do with YOU in that manor!”
Ls: What, no threesome?
Yuki: When did Dark Link buy that house?
Shoe: He bought it the same place Link bought his.
Bats: Jenna, I’m pretty sure the Water Temple is a temple, not a manor. You can tell because it’s not stately.
Ls: It’s more questionly, as in “what in the name of Those Gods is going on?”
I cried as I spat in his face. “You Bitch, you’ll pay for that!” Whipping the spit from his face, he backhanded me, leaving a stinging sensation on my cheek. “How dare you hit my wife!” Link screamed. “Well it seems you’re in no condition do anything about it.” Dark Link said with humor.
Shoe: “This is like she ticked every ‘Bad romance novel’ trope on the checklist at once,” Shoe said with great irritation.
Then the dark being faced me again. “I will be back for you real soon.” Running his hand down the side of my face again, he smiled then got up and strode to the door. “Now don’t think of trying to escape.” He said with a smirk then walked out.
Ls: Why are you walking away? Hello? Dark Link–Dink? Come back!
Shoe: Take us with you!
Bats: Yeah, that seems like a good idea.
*Bats gets up and attempts to walk out*
*The door has not stopped being locked*
I looked over at Link. “What are we going to do?” “I dunno, he took my sword and I cannot break the bonds.” “It seems were at Dark Link’s mercy.” Link said as his face faltered. “I will not concede to defeat!”
Ls: Well, then just concede to Dink!
I cried as I twisted forward. “I don’t want to either my love, but I’m at a loss on what to do.” I was beginning to grow concerned.
Shoe: NOW you’re concerned?!
The thought of what hideous things Dark Link might do to me, sent shivers up my spine. I tried to tug at my bonds again, but to no avail. I was beginning to think that all hope was lost, when a glint of something shiny caught my eye. I peered deeper into the darkness on the other side of the room, as I pushed my self away from the wall and slinked across the floor. When I got close enough to the shining object, I realized that the glints were coming off the gems on my Phoenix Circles. It seemed that in his hast to remove our weapons, Dark Link seemingly forgot to take my Phoenix Circles with the rest of the weapons.
Ls: Oh, good, the Sue weapons the author only just thought of are going to save the day. Cliched indeed.
Shoe: …Why would he – Chakrams aren’t exactly “Small!” They’re about the size of a dinner plate but apparently Dark Link missed the huge f*cking razor-sharp metal disks that are shiny enough to be seen in a dark unlit room. He is a dumbo.
“Link look, over on that table across the room.” “Its my Phoenix Circles. “I said as I leaned forward. “How do you suppose we are going to get to it?” “We’re still bound.” Link reminded. Looking back down at my bonds, the feeling of my cat instincts washed over me again.
Ls: Since when has this been a thing?
Bats: She makes cat noises often enough, but I don’t think that gives you special cat powers.
Gracefully, I leaned forward until my mouth met the bonds around my ankles. Slowly I took part of the rope into my mouth and begun to gnaw at it. Quickly I chewed my way threw the rope,
*A wet, spit-soaked rope appears in the riffing chamber.*
Ls: Eww.
Shoe: *Dunks himself in Purell*. STILL NOT CLEAN!
Delta: *approaches in a hazmat suit with a mop and bucket* The things I put up with in this job.
Bats: It doesn’t sound like much of a rope, though. Human jaws don’t have that much cutting power.
knowing I had to make hast. I had to break my bonds before Dark Link returned.
After some work, I managed to chew through the bonds around my ankles. I got up and staggered over to the table where my Phoenix Circles where sitting. Turning around, I took one of them into my hands and worked it around until the blade was resting against the bonds around my wrists. Taking it, I slowly managed to cut threw my bonds.
*Several different James Bonds appear in the riffing chamber.*
Ls: Brian, please help these guys find their way to the appropriate movies.
Shoe: Should be easy for George Lazenby, dude was only in one.
*The Bonds are ushered out wordlessly*
Bats: Huh. I expected them to talk.
Putting my weapon down, I rubbed my wrists to soothe the pain from the slight wounds that came from when I tried to break the bonds. “Link I’m free.” Grabbing my weapon I walked over to him. “How did you manage to break your bonds?” Link asked with shock. “Well I owe it all to the training I had while I was traveling.”
Ls: Correction: Sue weapons.
Shoe: What kind of training involves undoing a rope with your teeth while pulling your head down to your ankl–oh. Okay, well.
“Now its time to break your bonds.”
Bats: Do you have to call it “bonds” every time? Is it because Volfemort has you in bondage?
Reaching down I placed the blade of my Phoenix Circle against the bonds on Link’s ankles. Snapping the ropes off, I motioned for Link to turn around. Placing the blade against the rope, I sliced it off in one swift swipe. Rubbing his wrists he looked up at me with a smile on his face.
“You’re amazing my love.”
Ls: False.
Bats: It’s entirely possible that his love is amazed by this display… somehow.
He said with a smile. I walked into Link’s arms and kissed him. Then his expression changed into a serious one. “Now we must get out of here and find the rest of our weapons before Dark Link returns.” Nodding, I grabbed my Phoenix Circles, and followed Link as we slowly made our way to the door. Inching his way out the door, Link checked to see if anyone was coming. “Coast is clear, lets go.” Link whispered. Slinking our way down the dark corridors, the echo of Dark Link’s taunting voice lingered in the air. “We must hurry…this way.” Link pointed towards a hallway with a light shining at the end.
Winding threw the shadows
*The riffing chamber is thrown into darkness.*
Delta:
Ls:
Bats: You suck, shadows.
we came upon a lighted room. Quietly Link opened the door. Peeking inside what we saw was a sight for sore eyes. There on a table sat our weapons. “Oh my Goddesses…..there they are.” I said as I ran inside. “Link the Master Sword is here along with our bows!” Reaching over I grabbed my bow and quiver. I swung the bow over my back, then threw the quiver over my shoulder. Then I grabbed the Master Sword, his bow and quiver and handed them over to Link. Link took the sword and buckled it over his back then swung his bow and quiver over his shoulder. Unfastening the sword, Link removed it from its sheath. He took the sword and swung it threw the air, listening to the rushing sound it made as though it was cutting the air like a knife threw butter.
*The riffers are butter’d.*
Shoe: Quit throwing butter, knife, you little pointy bastard!
Delta: Well, at least it’s only my hazmat suit getting covered.
Bats: Oh, it’s the Bata no Ninja! I haven’t seen these guys since the Library! … Well, actually, I don’t think I’ve ever, like, seen them seen them, now that I think about it. You know, ninjas.
Bats: Anyway, I feel like air is a bit easier to cut through than butter.
“I’m just glad to have my sword back.” Link said as he swung it one last time before sheathing it. “Now lets get the hell out of here.” Just then the door swung open.
Ls: If only we could as well.
“Going somewhere?” There in the doorway stood Dark Link. “I thought I told you two to stay put!”
Ls: And then you abandoned them for some reason.
Bats: He had very important business to attend to, what with all the very specific evil plans he has. By which I mean he was out of mustache wax and had to run to the store.
An evil sneer crossed Dark Link’s face as he eyed us over. “I don’t take orders from the likes of you!” Link sneered back. “You will be after I’m finished with you.”
Shoe: Yes? He’ll be what? What will he be, DL? You have to finish your sentence, buddy.
Bats: *Dark Link* You’re not the boss of!
Just then Dark Link drew a sword with a remarkably likeness to the Master Sword. At that point, with Dark Link holding a sword just like the Master Sword, I begun to think that this is one battle Link would not win alone.
Shoe: He won alone earlier! He wouldn’t be here otherwise! f*ck you!
Bats: Meh, Navi did all the work.
Drawling my Phoenix Circles
Ls: Y’all, I hate this fic.
I made a daring charge at Dark Link. Feeling my cat like instincts kick in,
Ls: Why is Jenna Catwoman?
Shoe: I’d prefer Halle Berry. Just think about that for a moment while I weep quietly in the corner.
Bats: Trying to think… there’ve got to be Catwoman comics worse than this fic somewhere, I mean her comics have seen some bad runs, but… it’s tough. Maybe some of the post-Infinite Crisis stuff; I think I repressed most of that but it was on the bad end.
I jumped gracefully into the air, aiming my weapons directly at his face. Just before I managed to strike, Dark Link raised his sword and blocked my weapon causing a clank of metal and sparks to fill into the air. Falling back, I swiftly rushed forward and high kicked Dark Link in the face, causing him to go flying back into a wall. Staggering back up, his face twisted into an evil grin. “So…you want to play rough do you?” He said wiping the blood from his mouth. “I can show you just how rough I can play!”
Shoe: And Link shushed him because he and Dark Link were actually lovers and this was just some really kinky roleplay they liked to do. Wouldn’t surprise me.
A flash of white light surrounded the room, causing Link and I to be blinded. I felt myself being lifted into the air, as if someone was carrying me. I heard Dark Link’s sinister laugh ring threw my ears then all went black.
Ls: Not again!
*Sinister laughter rings through the halls of the Asylum.*
Bats: I’m just glad we didn’t get pelted with the ears. I’d love to say we don’t know where those have been, but unfortunately, we do, and it’s not good.
With unblinking eyes I stared into the blackness of the room I was in. Cold water shifted around my ankles as I walked around. Pushing my way threw the darkness,
*The Asylum is dark again.*
Delta:
Bats:
I listened for any sounds that might be my love Link. “LINK…Link where are you my love?!” “Link are you there?” I cried out into the darkness, but all there was, was silence.
Bats:
Continuing to move forward, I finally found myself standing in front of a strange tree. Looking up at it, it looked twisted and ugly, as if it was a tortured soul.
Ls: Oh, so it’s you.
Its twisted branches stretched out like clawed fingers, as if it was trying to grab something. Backing up, the cold water brushed up against my legs, causing a cold chill to run up my back.
Just then a chilling laugh pierced the darkness. Looking back towards the tree, a black figure slinked out from behind it. It’s chilling blood red eyes sending a chill deep into my soul. “Dark Link…where the hell am I and where is Link!?” I sneered raising my Phoenix Circles up in front of me.
Shoe: Wait, he didn’t take your weapons away this time? Why?
Bats: Why is everyone constantly sneering all of a sudden?
Snapping his fingers a sudden light filled the room, lighting up the surroundings. A sudden shock ran threw me.
Shoe: *raises an eyebrow as Jenna is thrown around the room.* I’ll give her this…she ricochets well.
Delta: Who’s up for Sue Pinball?
Bats: That shallow, dumb, and horny idiot sure makes a mean pinball.
“Oh…my Goddesses…is this the strange room Link described where he first met his counter part?” Then something caught my eye. Looking over my shoulder, there bound to the wall over the way out, was Link. “OH MY GODDESSES…LINK!” I cried clopping my hands over my mouth.
Shoe: *Winces as the Sue slams her new hooves over her mouth*. Owch!
“What the hell have you done to him you bastard!?” “I told you earlier…if you want to play rough, I will show you just how rough I can play!” An evil glint rose in Dark Link’s eyes, the flame of hatred flicking in them. “If you want to save your love; then you must defeat me.”
Ls: This is so lame.
Eyeing him, I poised into a fighting stance, placing my Phoenix Circles up in front of me. I knew I was in for a long battle.
Bats: And it may be a tough battle. Perhaps even…
The Final Fight
Bats: …? Probably not; we’ve still got a lot of fic.
Ls: 😭
Delta:
I charged forward, crying into the chilling air as I prepared to strike. Lunging, my weapon clashed with his, causing a crash of metal and a shower of sparks.
Ls: Seriously?
Pushing forward, our weapons met again, as a shower of sparks rained from our rage.
Bats: Yup, seems like you got a busted fuse there.
I backed up again, raising my weapon for another assault. We moved in a circle, each waiting for the other to attack. Then I took my chances and lunged again. This time my weapon connected, cutting his black tunic, leaving a gash across his chest. Looking down at his crimson soaked wound, he sneered then flew at me, sword raised. I ducked, raising my weapon in defense.
Ls: When did Jenna learn how to become an elite warrior? This is the one time where Link being the Manly Man™ and Jenna being some kind of weird proto-tradwife would make more sense. Why didn’t he get to fight Dink?
Our blades connected again, sending another shower of sparks into the air. The sound or our weapons clashing filled the room,
Ls: Well, which one was it?
as the water rushed around our shuffling feet. He again tried to push forward, causing me to block in defense. Backing up again I moved with him, trying to anticipate his next attack. And I felt him surround me. His taunting laugh causing the rage inside me to flourish. Then I felt Link calling to me in my mind, heard him telling me what to do. But because of the fiery rage that was running threw me,
*Bats ducks under the flying Jenna again*
Bats: Okay, this is getting old.
his voice sounded muffled and distant. As the evil being moved around me, I felt the chilling air he was generating move across my skin.
Ls: Dink is an air conditioner now?
I eyed his every move, waiting for the right moment to strike. His blood red eyes watched me, the flames of a fire seemed to flicker in them.
Ls: “The flames of a fire”?
Bats: That’s as opposed to the flames of a rockslide.
His weapon moved with such grace and his moves like that of a striking tiger.
Though I waited, waited for the right moment. “Well aren’t you going to attack, or are you afraid?” Dark Link snickered as his hand gestured for me to come forth. “Afraid of you!?” “Your more of a fool then I thought.” “You surprise me Dark Link.” “I thought you said you were going to show me just how rough you can play.”
Ls: By all of Those Gods and Their Many Domains is this hard to understand!
Shoe: I choose not to understand it. I care not to gaze into the abyss of madness, for I shall see myself, and thus I will…I dunno, this fic is stupid.
A small smile crossed my face as I saw the burning rage twist Dark Link’s face. “Be careful of what you wish for.” “Cause you might just GET IT!”
Bats: This is like placeholder banter at best.
Dark Link’s face twisted into a vicious smile as he lunged forward again. Raising my weapon again, I prepared to defend myself. A sudden flash of metal blazed as my weapon met his. Using all my strength, I fought to push his sword back. My wrists started to buckle under the immense power that Dark Link was putting into his sword, as he tried to pin me under it.
Ls: This is definitely how swordplay works.
I felt my heart starting to beat faster, felt sweat beading my face. I continued to push forward, forcing my all into my only hope, my Phoenix Circles.
“Your weak Jenna.”
Bats: What about her weak Jenna?
“Why don’t you just surrender to me and I will go easy on you.” “The hope your holding onto is not going to save you now.” Dark Link said bitterly, thrusting his sword forward, pushing it closer to my throat. “You infidel!”
Ls: Huh? Is there a religious aspect to this somehow?
Shoe: More than likely the author vaguely saw it in a book somewhere and thought it was a smart insult for good baddie writing without knowing what it meant.
“I will never concede to the likes of you!” I spat, my eyes narrowing. “Then die bitch!”
Ls: Yes, die.
With a swift move of his sword, Dark Link knocked my Phoenix Circles out of my hands, sending them flying across the room. With a gasp, I backed up only to be met by a swift kick to my legs, sending me crashing to the floor and sending a spray of water into the air. I watched as the twisted figure of Link loomed over me, sword pointed at my throat.
Ls: Wait, so normal Link is evil now?
Shoe: Now stab her. Right there. Stab her inna throat you bizarro bastard!
Bats: Wait a minute, Bizarros talk backwards. Maybe he was just trying to be their friend this whole time! And now she’s going to kill him, like a monster.
With another sinister laugh, he grabbed me by the tunic and threw me across the room, sending me flying across the water and into the twisted tree. With a loud thud, I fell to the ground, stunned and hurt. Trying to shake off the pain I was now feeling, I opened my eyes only to see Dark Link, advancing on his counter part.
Ls: Wait, so you only see Dink, but you know that he’s headed towards normal Link?
With one last look back at me, his blood red eyes flickered with and evil glow as a sinister smile crossed his face. “Nothing is going to save both of you now.”
Ls: I doubt that. I’m sure the author has plenty of Dei Ex Machinae to pull out of her behind.
Shoe: “Nothing will save you ‘cept my own rampant stupidity! Mweh-heh-heh!”
His chilling laugh filled the room again, causing it to ring in my ears. Dazed, I looked around the room and saw my Phoenix Circles just a few feet from where I sat. I tried to get up, but my leg was hurt badly, so I fell back down. Trying to drag myself, I got with in arms length of them, when a sudden flash of metal knocked my weapons further away. I looked up and saw Dark Link standing over me. “Ah…ah…ah…I cannot have you retrieve your weapons now can I?” He said in a sinister laugh as he waved a finger in front of him. “Now get back to where you were!” He said as his foot connected me in the jaw, causing me to fly back into the twisted tree. “Now stay put this time, I will be back for you shortly!” He screeched as he turned and strode back towards Link.
Ls: Just pick one and kill her!
Bats: Does his mustache look anywhere near twirled enough? You can’t just kill the heroes while your mustache is still straight.
Lying there I felt my whole world starting to fall upon me. Its hopeless.” I thought to myself as I huddled against the evil looking tree. “I failed miserably.” “I failed Link.” “My son, Link Jr.” “What have I done?” “Its all over now, I failed them both.”
Ls: Yes, you suck.
Bats: I award you the Shadow Memorial Medal of Suckage.
Burying my head in my hands, I started to cry. I felt as if I betrayed both Link and our son. Now our son will be orphaned, Link and I prisoners to this twisted evil being. As I thought there was no hope left, I heard a distant voice call out to me in my mind. Suddenly the void opened up
Ls: And we’re back to the Formless Void.
and a flame rose in my mind. As the connection between Link and I was established, he called out to me. I floated in the emptiness, moved towards the flame. I saw Link’s image dance within its red glow, as his voice called out from it. “Jenna my love, you cannot give up, you cannot give in.” “But he is just too strong, what can I do?” I said to him telepathically. “My love, search for the strength within.” “Look into your heart and there will you find the answer.”
Ls: Thanks for that meaningless, cliched drivel. I’m sure “looking within her heart” will defeat Dink.
*Bats gets out a knife*
Bats: I mean, we can check. Uh, if she ever stops bouncing around the room.
Then the void shattered around me, causing the flame to flicker out and our connection to break.
Suddenly I felt something hot surge threw me. It raced threw my bones,
*Jenna’s bones appear in the riffing chamber.*
Bats: Oh, great, now we can’t look in her heart.
raced threw my every vein,
*Jenna’s veins materialize in the riffing chamber.*
Ls: This is so gross.
Bats: … Okay, we’re getting there.
radiating to the very center of my being. My skin felt like it was burning, as if I was in a fire and the blood within me felt like it was boiling.
Bats: That would be the flamethrower.
A sudden burst of pain shot threw me bringing me to my knees,
*Pain shoots through the Asylum. Nothing much really changes.*
my screams filing into the air.
Ls: Monsters, Inc. sure does require a lot of bureaucracy.
I felt my hands starting to burn, and as I looked down at them, flames were dancing on the palms of my hands.
Shoe: Fire hot! Fire burn Sue! Sue have owies!
I screeched as the flames rose into mini fires, its heat making sweat bead my face. The heat inside my body surged towards my hands, fueling the fires. And I felt a wave of blinding heat surround me, as my eyes watered. As the fires raged threw me,
*The riffing room has suddenly always been on fire.*
Delta: This is fine.
Ls: Does anyone remember that water village spell from the Klikky Naruto riff?
Shoe: Bibbity Bobbity Booze!
*The Riffing Room is on fire and now full of schnapps.*.
Delta: *drinking some of the schnapps* I’m okay with the events that are unfolding currently.
Ls: *as the schnapps catch on fire.* SHOE! YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE!
*Bats roasts a marshmallow*
*Bats does not really have a choice in this because he is also himself being roasted, but at least he’ll have something to eat when he respawns*
I felt something within me snap. Instincts of a pure fiery rage burst threw me,
*The Asylum is still on fire, by the way.*
Delta: *now also aflame* That’s okay. Things are going to be okay.
as an unknown fiery wind lifted me up surrounding my within its flames.
Ls: Someone just a word.
Bats: Or misspyllyd it.
My hair whipped around my shoulders and my dress whipped around my ankles as a scorching wind started to fill the room.
Standing inside the mists of a hellish burning blaze my eyes narrowed as Dark Link suddenly realized what was going on.
Bats: Oh, good, can he explain it to us?
Ls: The author randomly decided to give you fire powers for no reason?
Just as his hooded head slowly turned to face the fiery hell that was looming over him,
Shoe: He’s not wearing a hood! He’s wearing Link’s stupid little floppy hat, the shadow version! (Although…I do wonder if there’d be a shadowy Ezlo if this were set in the Minish Verse.)
my hands rose as tunnels of fire shot out, snaking towards Dark Link with a burning vengeance. When the fiery hell connected with him, his twisted cries tore into the air as the fires engulfed him. As I moved forward, the air begun to fill with a crackling sound as lightning danced across the ceiling. The water in the room began to surge, creating a rushing of waves as the water pounded the walls. Then the ground started shaking, causing cracks to appear on the walls and small crevasses to open in the floor.
I watched as Dark Link’s sneer shone threw the hell that engulfed him.
*Dark Link’s sneer ambulates its way through the riffing chamber.*
Delta: Meh, I’ve seen better sneers. 5/10 at best.
Bats: I’m still not quite sure why the word before “threw” always seems to get thrown at us instead of the thing being thrown, but I feel like the Ambulatory Sneer is probably easier to contain than Hell. We just got a new paint job.
He dropped into the swelling waters, dousing the fire, causing heated steam and smoke to rise from his charred clothes. “You wretched bitch!” “I should have killed you!” He cursed, as he rose from the water, his face twisting into a devilish sneer. “You’re right, you should have killed me when you had the chance.”
Shoe: Yeah, you really should have! You had her on the floor with a sword at her throat – but nooooooo you let her live because you are a f*cking TEASE!
“You’re a fool, now its time to die you evil beast!” Raising my hands into the air, I summoned my powers and combined them into a fiery hell as it descended upon the shadowy evil while lightning and fire reined on him from the sky.
Ls: Is the fire trying to drive him like a horse?
The water surged beneath his feet as the floor shook under him, causing him to collapse to the ground. I watched as the Dark Link screamed, trying to fend off the hell that was upon him. But it was useless.
Ls: “He was, after all, in My Inner Life.”
As the attack continued, I gracefully moved over to him. Lifting a hand up, I cried into the air, the sound piercing the howling noises cascading threw the room.
*The riffing room has suddenly always been filled with the horrific cacophony.*
Delta: *futilely covering his ears* WHO IS MAKING THIS NOISE AND HOW CAN I LEGALLY ASSASSINATE THEM?!
Ls: LEGALLY?
Shoe: OH GOD IT’S LIKE THE DIXIE CHICKS ON SPEED!
And with all my strength I called upon my new powers combining them all into a gigantic energy ball of pure destruction. With a flick of my wrist, the energy ball descended upon the Dark Being, engulfing him. With his last screams of agony, the energy ball imploded taking Dark Link with it. The chair reaction from the explosion sent me flying backwards and into a wall.
Shoe: *Blinks as many chairs suddenly poof into existence*. That’s a chair reaction, all right. And an implosion and an EXPLOSION are two different things, ya dink.
Bats: Oh, good, most of our chairs got destroyed in the fire; at least now we don’t need replacements.
Lying on the floor in the water, I looked around the shattered room and saw the elements still raging. With my last ounce of strength, I raised my head up high as a blinding white light ascended from my body and filled the room causing all to go calm once more.
When I awoke, Link was sitting beside me, holding me in his dusty arms. Looking up at him, his eternal blue eyes stared deeply into mine. “Your awake my love, oh goddesses I thought I lost you!” “How are you feeling?” He said as he stroked my arm. “Ouch…oh my head hurts.” I winced when I tried to move. “Take it easy my love, you landed into a wall.”
Bats: She threw herself around so much she flew all the way into the author’s note.
Rubbing my head I felt something cold and wet. Lowering my hand I saw blood on my fingers, then the sight of the room caught my eye. “Oh my Goddesses…….what the hell happened here!?” I said in a raspy voice.
Ls: The author gave you a blatant powerup so you would instantly win, Kelly the Roman Warrior-style.
“You don’t remember?” Link questioned. I just shook my head.
“While I was bound to the wall, I watched helplessly as Dark Link sent you crashing into the tree that was there.” “When you tried to regain your weapon, Dark Link caught you and kicked your weapon away, then kicked you back into the tree.” ” The next thing I knew, you were standing in the center of the room, your body on fire.” “Then I felt a strong searing wind fill the room as pillars of flame shot out from your hands. ” “The last thing I remember was that all hell broke loose and a strange ball of energy engulfed Dark Link, destroying him.” “Those haunting screams he let out before he died, I swear I will never forget that.”
Bats: We just saw all of th- oh no no no wait-
*Alarms blare*
*The DRD bind the riffers to the wall, where they tie them up, having caught them. They kick the riffers’ weapons away, knocking the weapons away with their feet, and then kick the riffers into a tree, which they punt them into. The next thing the DRD knows, which is the subsequent piece of knowledge they acquire, the riffers are standing in the center of the room, their bodies on fire as they burn in the middle of the chamber.*
Bats: Not again!
“When I awoke, I was lying on the floor covered with dust and debris.” “I begun to look around the room for you, and when I found you, you were lying on the floor unconscious and covered in blood.” “I thought my worst fears came true, I thought I had lost you.” I watched as tears welled up in Link’s jeweled eyes. He leaned forward and held me close. Closing my eyes I laid my head against his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. I was still over whelmed,
Bats:
*Bats sighs wistfully*
Bats: Remember when Young Justice was good? Feels like so long ago.
by what Link had just told me. I had no memory of those events.
Ls: Well, I’m sure you’ll regain your memory wherever it’s the most convenient for the author.
“Did I really have control over the elements?” I thought to myself. “What really happened here?”
Ls: Sueperpowers.
Bats: If she’s green, I’m out.
“Did I really cause…..this?” I glanced around the shattered room in disbelief. “How could I have caused such destruction?” Lowering my eyes I looked at my hands again. Aside from the blood that was caked on them, I saw nothing on them that could have let me “Shoot Fire” from them.
Ls: Covering your hands in blood would let you do that normally, though.
Ls: How did her hands get covered in blood anyway?
With a sigh, I looked back up at Link. “Link my love…can we go home?” With a smile he nodded as we got up and slowly made our way out of the strange mangled room.
Shoe: YOU can. WE can’t. I hate you so much.
Bats: We’ll have to wait for the wrapup, though, since this is running long. You’ll find the next part here.
Ls: Or we could just not. How about that?
Bats: … Nah.
Author: BatJamags
"JAY-mags."View all posts by BatJamags
