Everything Your Teen Needs To Know About Setting Healthy Boundaries (2024)

Teens often find themselves in difficult situations with friends, romantic partners, and other family members where they struggle to communicate their needs or values. Even when their gut tells them someone is crossing a line with them, they may struggle to articulate why the situation makes them uncomfortable. For this reason, parents need to work with their teens to establish boundaries with others so that they can better communicate their physical and emotional limits.

Although boundaries are different for everyone, when teens are able to effectively communicate their boundaries, they can protect themselves from potentially harmful relationships. According to the Center for Adolescent Studies, boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries may even be necessary for some adult figures in their lives, like a coach or a relative.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are limits teens establish to protect themselves in some way from being hurt, manipulated, or taken advantage of. As an expression of self-worth, boundaries help create space between your teen and others when needed, and communicate what they aren't willing to say or do to maintain a relationship, especially one that feel has become toxic. According to Vanderbilt University, an effective boundary "offers protection while still keeping you connected to others."

Healthy boundaries are vital to the success of both platonic and romantic relationships. Establishing boundaries helps teens recognize their feelings and limits, plus requires them to communicate clearly and honestly about both.

Why Boundaries for Teens Are Important

Learning how to set boundaries—both physical and emotional—is an important part of growing up. It's also essential to developing respectful, supportive, and healthy friendships and dating relationships.

Unfortunately, many teens have trouble setting boundaries. When this happens, it puts them at risk for everything from unhealthy friendships to bullying and abuse.

Of course, setting boundaries isn't easy. It's uncomfortable and forces teens to stand up for themselves and draw some lines in the sand. Moreover, communicating boundaries with others can lead to difficult conversations or conflict. Yet, it's one of the most important things teens need to learn how to do.

How To Set Boundaries

Like adults, teens encounter various scenarios in their relationships. They might need to tell one friend they're uncomfortable sharing their homework and let another know they don't want to gossip about other people. These are all scenarios where setting boundaries can be helpful. Remind them they shouldn't feel guilty and stay consistent when setting healthy boundaries.

Your teen will run into different situations throughout their life that challenge their values and beliefs—and knowing how to set boundaries can help them stay safe and be true to who they are. Here are some tips:

Help your teen identify their feelings

Learning to recognize and label different feelings is not as easy as it sounds. It takes work for your teen to stop and think about how they are feeling in any given situation. They may recognize they're upset, but are they angry, frustrated, or sad? Pinpointing how they feel is the first step.

Teach your teen to trust their gut

Let your teen know that they should always trust their intuition. If something feels wrong or off about a situation, it probably is. They are not being dramatic or overly sensitive, regardless of what other people say. The point is that they need to be true to who they are—not what someone else expects them to be.

Help them identify unacceptable behaviors

Sometimes, teens need help determining what a healthy relationship or friendship looks like. Regularly talk to them about what constitutes a healthy friendship or dating relationship and what respect looks like.

It's not uncommon for teens to accept unhealthy behaviors in others, but when they do they are compromising their self-worth.

Address the importance of digital boundaries

Most relationships today have a digital component. Talk to your teen about digital etiquette, sexting, and digital dating abuse. Ensure they know how to stay safe online and set boundaries with people violating their values.

Give them key phrases they can use to diffuse situations

Setting boundaries is difficult and requires a lot of practice. It also requires some thought and decision-making. For this reason, teens need some basic phrases that buy them some time. Some examples include: "Let me think about that and get back to you," "No, thank you. I'm not comfortable with that," or "Let me talk to my parents and let you know tomorrow."

Having a few phrases they can say in the heat of the moment keeps them from getting wrapped in the chaos or giving in to peer pressure.

Allow them to practice at home

Establishing boundaries with another person isn't easy—even for some adults. For this reason, teens need to practice in a safe environment with people they know love them unconditionally.

Allow your teen to say "no" to things and set personal boundaries. This might mean letting family members know that they need space sometimes or not visiting with extended family when they have a huge exam coming up.

Encourage your teen to develop autonomy and independence at home by allowing them to voice their opinions and make decisions.

Explain that friendships have limits

Too often, teens fall into the trap of believing they need to be all things to their friends. Stress that every friendship is different and will play a different role in their lives.

Being a good friend doesn't require agreement on every single issue. Having different opinions or beliefs is what makes relationships so interesting.

Model good boundary-setting skills

One of the best ways to teach your teen good boundary-setting skills is to model the behavior in your own life. Evaluate your relationships with others. Are you setting a good example by establishing boundaries with people who try to take advantage of you or don't treat you well? If not, start setting boundaries in your own life as well.

Explain the risks of not setting boundaries

Sometimes, it's much easier for a teen just to let things go or not say anything when a friend or dating partner crosses the line. But, not setting boundaries is risky. Even if nothing serious happens in the relationship, not setting boundaries can lead to resentment and damage the friendship.

Remind them to respect the boundaries of others

It's just as important that your teen respect other people's boundaries as it is for them to establish their own. Healthy relationships are built upon mutual respect and ongoing communication. Ensure your teen knows it's just as important to honor someone else's boundaries as it is to ask them to honor theirs.

Examples of Boundaries for Teens

Sometimes, boundaries are confusing for young people. While they may understand the concept and importance of establishing boundaries with other people, they may not know what those boundaries look like in real life. Therefore, it's important to talk about what constitutes a healthy boundary and what is unhealthy. You may even want to point out where they lack boundaries.

Healthy boundaries

Healthy boundaries keep your teen safe emotionally and physically without trying to control or manipulate another person. They establish your teen's wants and needs without infringing on another person's rights and needs. Here are some examples:

• Communicating the desire to move slowly in a romantic relationship, ensuring consent is at the forefront of every interaction, and not being pressured to do more than they want.
• Asking someone to refrain from teasing them about a sensitive subject and having a consequence if they continue to tease, like reducing the amount of time spent together.
• Telling a friend they are not comfortable with drinking and asking that they support their decision not to drink alcohol.
• Letting a friend who asks to borrow money frequently without repaying it know they won't be able to loan them any more money until they repay what they owe.
• Talking to a sibling about their need for time alone and requesting that they honor this need by not walking into their room when the door is shut.
• Asking a romantic partner to respect their time with others by not calling or texting repeatedly when hanging out with others.

Unhealthy boundaries or lack of boundaries

As teens learn about boundaries, sometimes they go too far or don't erect them, which can be problematic.

For this reason, it's important to highlight where your teen might need to erect some boundaries or lighten up a little bit. Here are some examples:

• Shutting people out of their lives completely and not trusting anyone.
• Demanding friends or dating partners be there for them whenever they request it.
• Believing that others know what they're thinking or feeling and should respond accordingly.
• Giving in to friends or dating partners even when it goes against what they believe.
• Going against their values or beliefs to fit in, be liked, or to please others.
• Allowing a romantic partner to make decisions for them or direct their life without ever standing up for themselves or questioning this behavior.
• Spending time with friends or dating partners who treat them poorly or disrespectfully.